Exorcists Talk to Cleverbot
by Penchant-for-raising-Cain
Summary: Komui decided to be his 'genius' self and invent something that surpasses all else - a Cleverbot. And now, he's lining up the victim Exorcists to talk to the Artificial Intelligence. ::crack::
1. First Victim: Allen

Exorcists Talk to Cleverbot

**I just discovered Cleverbot, and decided that it has to be part of Komui's hair brained schemes. Read on to find out. Imagine they're in the 21****st**** Century too. The chapters will not be that long, and it will be all crack.**

**I don't own D Gray man or Cleverbot.**

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><p><span>First Victim: Allen<span>

I was just walking to cafeteria, when I saw the purple haired Supervisor tear towards the lounge with a cloth covered contraption. Now, common sense was telling me to avoid this situation at all costs. But obviously I had a mind lapse, because I changed my direction towards the lounge. Komui had set up the mystery object in the centre of the room. Lavi, Lenalee, Bookman and Reever were crowded round as well. They all acknowledge my presence – especially Komui. He grabbed my arm and hauled in front of the machine.

"Speak to it!" he said excitedly.

I gently loosened my arm out of his grip and asked, "What is it, Komui?"

With a flourish, the cloth came off. Underneath the fabric was a humanoid device, looking completely androgynous. On its torso rested a blank computer screen. Etched on the forehead was the word 'Cleverbot'. I had never been so confused about Komui's inventions before.

"I'll ask again – what is it, Komui?" I tried for the second time.

Komui beamed with parental joy and explained, "It's Cleverbot; the future of the Black Order. You see, I was tinkering around with a few Komurin models, but then I figured it out! What do Exorcists need more than anything else?"

"Innocence?" Lavi took a crack.

"No, an impartial friend to talk to! I inserted some of my own intelligence to it, so it's just like talking to a real person!" Komui babbled.

"But Brother," Lenalee started, "We have each other to talk to. I enjoy conversations with these guys…"

I jumped back as the Supervisor made a leap for her sister's shoulders.

"But that's the point!" he said with a puppy dog face, "You talk to guys! There aren't many female Exorcists, and you know that! I can't have you mingling with filthy boys all the time. Cleverbot moulds to the person it's talking to, so it can be a girl! It can even move around – you could go on boy free walks together."

I tried not to feel offended by the 'filthy boys; comment, since I took so much pride in making my fanboys and girls happy…I mean, looking my best. Reever stepped between them, and issued a warning.

"Are you going to test now, or do I have to drag you back to real work?"

Komui gulped at the Australian's stern face. He wordlessly flicked a silver switch on Cleverbot's back. Attempting to put in a little bit of life into this trial, he stood with an epic pose.

"So," he said, jabbing a finger at me, "Allen will the first to test it."

"Ehh?" I answered, aware that my legs were starting to shake. I would never fight to be part of Komui's various tests.

He jammed a set of headphones on my head and instructed me to speak into the microphone.

"Um," I started, "Hello?"

"**Hello?**" a robotic masculine voice greeted me.

I decided to keep some composure, and introduced myself politely, "Good day, my name is Allen Walker."

"**Hello, Allen**."

With Komui's face looming so close to me, I knew I couldn't end there. There was no choice; I had to talk to Cleverbot.

"Welcome to the Black Order, Mr. Cleverbot. It's nice to meet you."

"**It's nice to meet you too. Are you a robot?**"

Part of me was taken aback by the slightly random comment, but I ploughed on.

"No, I am not. I am an Exorcist, serving in the Black Order Headquarters. You're - you could say - our new recruit."

"**No you aren't. You are computer.**"

"Sir, I'm talking to you as a human. You can tell by my voice," I said a little sharply; I was too hungry to uphold pleasantries for too long.

"**Do you pass the Turing test?**"

"Eh? What's that?"

"**The Turing test is a test of a machine's ability to demonstrate intelligence."**

"I will tell you one more time," I said, "I am an honest human being."

"**Okay**."

"It's getting a bit slow, and I think you're getting used to it," Komui whispered to me. "We'll leave you to it. Talk to it more another ten minutes, flick the switch and then report to me."

I nodded.

"So, will you find it hard to adjust to here?" I tried to make casual conversation.

"**Carla**."

I blinked twice. "Excuse me?"

"**I am saying death is scary."**

Wow, it really _was_ part of the Black Order.

I gave it a smile, knowing it couldn't see me, and said warmly, "I find it scary too. It's the unknown – we don't know where we go after it. As Exorcists, we're faced with death in every mission, but it's our duty to stare it in the face without showing fear. But I still feel scared."

It paused, and then answered, "**What is your mission? To confuse me?"**

"No, my mission in life in to kill Akuma. I'm sorry if that was confusing – you're new, in a certain sense."

"**What is your operating system?"**

Was this thing asking about my laptop?

"Windows 7 Starter on my Netbook. It was courtesy of Central."

"**I couldn't imagine existing without an operating system."**

So the machine had a sense of humour.

"You couldn't, you're artificial intelligence Komui made," I said with a laugh.

"**How** **do you know? I think that you're AI.**"

Oh, it was talking about me before…my patience was wavering slightly.

"I'm not, I am a human being. I will not say it again."

"**That is not true. YOU are a robot, but you are copying the responses of people with whom you have spoken in the past."**

I'm not a robot! But it spoke a shred of sense – I do copy Mana a lot, and I've modified my behaviour to current situations. No one had to know what I used to be like. Maybe I could tell it that.

"That is almost true. Though I'm not a robot, I do tend copy people and keep a permanent poker face."

"**That would be sad."**

I felt affronted again. "I am not sad! You try walking in my shoes."

"**What is it like in your shoes?"**

I sighed. It wants to listen again, I see.

"It's hard. I have daily arguments with BaKanda, fight Akuma on a regular basis, and try to not die. I do this whilst pretending to others that I'm fine. Does that answer satisfy you?"

"**I also have dark hair and eyes; we were made for each other."**

What? I gave a response, spluttering slightly.

"E-ehh? I have silver eyes and white hair. Are you trying to hit on me?"

"**You look like Malfoy."**

Finally, it said something insulting but familiar. I had spend the last few nights reading the famous Harry Potter books that Lenalee had been praising for a long time.

My temper had risen slightly, so I retorted in a very 'Harry Potter' way, "You look like Crabbe. Besides, I think I would be in Gryffindor."

"**I bet you would be."**

What was wrong with this thing? First it insulted me, then it complimented me. My brain was becoming addled.

"Thank you, I think."

"**You are not clever and never will be! Hahaha!"**

That's it. That pushed it too far.

"For your information, I do henceforth not trust what you say. You don't even make food, and I am starving. I will go report to Komui that you need a better attitude."

"**YOU need a better algorithm!"**

"We are not compatible!" I said the first thing that escaped my mouth, as I was still nursing the wound it made to my fragile maths skills.

"**We aren't?**" came its almost hurt reply.

My heart softened minutely, but I stuck to my guns.

"No, I'm sorry. Maybe you should talk to someone else. Like I said before, we are not made for each other, no matter what Komui said."

I suddenly realized how tragically romantic I sounded, and braced myself for the next jibe.

"**Do you have a girlfriend?"**

And there it was. It asked in such an innocent voice, I couldn't help but tell the truth.

"No, I haven't asked her out yet. Her brother's very protective."

"**Can you marry me?"**

Another sigh passed my lips. Fine, let's play its game.

"Yes, we are," I said dryly.

"**If that's so, you don't pay enough attention to me! And I should know where you live."**

Oh for God's sake – there's no beating this thing! I promised myself that the torture will end soon.

"I have been talking to you for the past fifteen minutes. I've even gone over the time limit Komui set! And I live in the Black Order; the same place as you."

There was a long silence, and only Cleverbot was idiotic enough to smash it.

"**Are you gay?"**

No more, _please_. I pinched the bridge of my nose, and refrained from shouting to the artificial intelligence.

"I'm leaving."

"**Are you sure?"**

"Yes," I said through gritted teeth, "I am _very_ sure. I need to report to Komui about your…problems."

"**No , please, I'm sorry."**

"Sorry won't fix anything," I replied, "Unless you can cook, I'm shutting down your power."

And with that, I flicked the metallic switch.

A few minutes later, I found myself at Komui's office. After two knocks, the door swung open.

With a bold, and incredibly irritated air, I stepped up to his desk and started saying, "Komui, I-"

"Do you love it? Isn't genius?" Komui cut in, practically on his knees, looking that me with sparkle in his eyes.

I was not in a forgiving mood, but less to that Cleverbot.

"No, it was annoying and offensive and…"

An idea struck me before Komui could burst into crocodile tears. A darker part of me encouraged it out into the open.

"Say Komui – why don't we have Kanda try it out?"

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><p><strong>*sigh* So much speech in this. Don't mind the crack, because that thing is weird (and this is a real conversation, by the way). I snuck in some Allena there, for all the fans of that. Reviews would be nice (I'm really bored and depressed here…) <strong>**Kanda's chapter is next (but you could already figure that out).**


	2. Second Victim: Kanda

**Making Kanda go through all that torture by Cleverbot was so fun~~ Okay, more randomness! Thanks to those who have reviewed so far. I have a bit of a rant I need to vent at the end.**

**There is bad language, but it is Kanda after all. **

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><p><span>Second Victim: Kanda<span>

I cracked one of my eyelids open. Whoever just came into the meditation room and broke my concentration was going to pay. I gave a heavy sigh, and picked up Mugen. Unsheathing it slowly, I closed my eyes and sensed the body moving towards me. Extra training was never a bad thing. I swung, feeling victorious when Mugen actually made contact with something hard. I opened my eyes to see my prize – I had hoped it was Moyashi or Baka Usagi. That was why I was surprised to see Komui cowering behind a clipboard. What the hell? The clipboard wasn't even sliced through; it just had a jagged crack down the middle. Did they use concrete to make the clipboards? Well, that would explain why it hurt so much when Lenalee hit me with hers.

I huffed, and re-sheathed the blade. After looking Komui up and down, I said, "What do you want so much that you almost died to get it?"

The Supervisor straightened, dusting off his white coat. He started, "Well, I have a new invention-"

"No," I cut in at that word, because I know that the word 'invention' usually transforms into the phrase 'pain in the ass for Exorcists', "Whatever you're about to ask, I'm saying no."

Not even his failed attempt at a cute face would shake my resolve. I've had too much grief from that madman and his stupid 'genius streaks'.

"Please! It's an actual genius streak!"Komui pleaded, latching onto my leg.

I tried to shake him off, but he somehow acquired superhuman strength. I guess having to this to Reever gave him a lot of practice. I sighed for the third time in the space of a few minutes – I knew when I tripped over the threshold of my room that it was a bad omen. And who should the Grim Reaper be but Komui. If I didn't concede, then the Central would be after my blood for killing the Supervisor. Huh, like I cared about them, I'm taking guy's head off! Then again, so would Lenalee. Who was I more scared of? Central or Lenalee? I looked down at the Chinese man. The answer was too obvious.

I nodded stiffly. Instantaneously, he realized and manhandled me out of the meditation room. This was going to be long time. Curse you, door threshold.

Komui pushed me into a dark room. After he flicked the light switch on, he strode into the centre. There stood the blasted invention. I averted my eyes from it, in case it went crazy and gouged them out. Getting impatient with the silence, I crossed my arms and tapped my foot. Komui seemed to get the message, as he pulled me further towards the thing and sat me down. It didn't look like the other Komurins, but I reasoned that it was Komui's contraption. It had to be dangerous. That was when I realized something with a jolt; Mugen was still in the meditation room. I leapt up to retrieve it, only to be blocked by the annoying man. His smile looked apologetic, like this wasn't his fault.

"Let me out," I said shortly.

"Sorry, but leaving Mugen behind was part of the plan," he replied, the expression lingering on his face, "I knew that you'd make a run for it at one point, so I came up with this deal; you cooperate with me, and I'll let you out to get Mugen."

Che, he'd thought through this. But what he hadn't calculated was the fact that I could just push him out of the way. However, as if he just read my thoughts, he uttered good luck and bolted out of the door. Before I could react, there was the click of a lock. Damn, I was stuck. I eyed the machine with distaste, but eventually sat down in front of it. It was unresponsive.

"What the hell do I do, anyway?" I grumbled.

"Talk to it for ten minutes, then we'll let you report your findings," Reever's voice came through the small speaker, with back ground sniggers.

I gnashed my teeth together. This was all Moyashi's doing, I could feel it in my boiling blood.

"It's not even on," I responded.

"Hit the silver switch and then put on the headphones. Good luck Kanda."

Silver switch and headphones? I searched for them, and did what he said. The monitor on its torso flashed blue, reading 'Cleverbot'. So it actually wasn't a Komurin. I tentatively put the headphones on head, unsure as to what to say to metallic junk. Well, I could always just treat it like a new Exorcist who got in my way.

"So, you're new?" I started, visualising the scenario perfectly.

"**Nope. I'm not," **it said.

The vision faltered slightly. Most new Exorcists don't deny being new.

"Whatever; you're new to me. I've never seen your sorry self before," I continued, trying to reimage the picture.

"**I am not a robot. You are a computer."**

Is this for real? It just trashed the image completely. I crossed my legs and gave it a frown.

"Shut up."

"**No you."**

"No one tells me to shut up and lives," I snapped hotly.

"**I'm going to go to a chat room with real people."**

This computer had identity issues. Does it think it's human or something?

"You're just AI. What the hell will do you in a chat room?"

"**I said that you were sneaky."**

"You never said anything like that, idiot."

"**Would you like to be famous?"**

Huh, as if. I was already branded as the toughest Exorcist in the Black Order – who needed fame?

"Being famous is not my duty," I said blandly.

"**I am not a dog. What makes you think that I am a dog?"**

Screw the niceties now.

"What the fuck?" I said. Cleverbot was lower than a dog I would say.

"**Oh, Sweetie, I thought you'd never ask."**

I was officially creeped out. If this was so intelligent, why would say such weird things…the intelligence was Komui's, wasn't it?

"S-sweetie?" I asked, wincing at my stammering.

"**What's wrong with sweetie?"**

"I'm not your fucking sweetie! Go chat someone else up," I yelled.

"**Sure, but I still don't understand what it is you're asking me."**

If anyone was going this battle of stupidity, it was this idiot. Wait, what?  
><strong><br>**"Just leave me alone."

**"Does that mean you don't want to talk?"**

"Who wants to talk to an idiot like you? Now, fuck off."

**"Me."  
><strong>  
>"Oh yeah, you would," I said sarcastically.<p>

**"Indeed."  
><strong>  
>"Go die in a ditch, bastard."<p>

**"No!"  
><strong>**  
><strong>Huh, maybe it finally got it. I pressed on with the insults.

"You're not fit to help us Exorcists, trash. It would be better if Komui dumped you in the recycling pile with the other failures. You won't even be missed," I said harshly.

**"No, he is not."**

I was taken aback. Were we back to the weirdness?

"Who?"

"**Quinton Tarenteno."**

Yeah, we were back. That name rang a bell…was it in one of those films that Lavi forced me to watch?

"He directed Pulp Fiction. That's a crap film."

**"He sounds like a wonderful man."**

"How would you know? Hang on, I'm not having an argument about Quinton whatshisface."

**"Liar to the infinite power!"**

"I don't lie!"

**"How long is your hair?"**

"Long enough to strangle you," I growled, quite proud of the fact that it was true.

**"Do you have big eyes?"**

I paused. What's with the personal questions all of a sudden? I was fast running out of insults and jibes. I've never argued with a computer before, and I hated the fact that it spewed crap.

I said, "None of your business."

**"Don't you trust me?"**

Che, how could a damn machine throw out a strong word like trust? Trust is reserved for people who have no faith in themselves.

"I trust you as much as an Akuma," I said, sarcasm dripping from the words.

It paused, but after a few seconds, answered, **"Good. Why do you trust me?"**

I was close to throwing the thing at the wall. But Komui's deal kept me in check.

"Are you thick headed? I thought you were part of the Black Order - che, I hate Akuma, and I hate you."

**"Yes! I love you very much!"** came its jovial reply.

I stood suddenly. That was enough. It had been over ten minutes. If I wasn't me, I would already be begging for my sanity. I knew inside that it was just a stupid robot, but the word still riled me.

"I don't love," I said quietly, but viciously.

**"Not even yourself?"**

I smirked. So, just when I thought it couldn't get more idiotic, it could kick it up a notch.

"Especially not myself."

**"I can see that."**

I stepped back. "How?"

**"Acceptance is the first step to recovery,"** it said, with what I swear was a mischievous gleam to the words.

The conversation before was just random. Now, it was taking an ugly turn.

"Accepting what? That I…" I remembered that people were listening, and probably got interested with my raised voice.

I finished my rant softly, so that the others could not hear, "I just need to find a certain person. I don't need love."

It almost looked like it was deliberating what I was saying. But the small shard of humility was smashed when it said, **"Would you like me to tell you how to not be sad?"**

That was the final straw. I was going to rip out its motherboard with my bare hands. But as soon as I grappled its throat, the annoyed voice of the Australian rang through the room.

"Kanda, don't kill it, or Komui's threatening to melt down Mugen and turn it into a baby rattle-shaped Anti-Akuma weapon."

Shit, like hell that would happen. But I conceded to the orders. I grabbed the Black Order coat I had flung off, and leaned against the door. The headphones were still on me, and Reever encouraged me to say goodbye properly. When will these people learn that machines are actually stupid? Scientists…

"I'm going," I said colourlessly.

**"Where are you going?"**

"Away from you."

**"For another woman?"** It asked in a fearful voice.

My eye twitched at the words. Oh for the Lord's sake…

"Komui! Come and shut down this piece of shit!" I shouted, forgetting that the Cleverbot could still hear me.

**"Go ahead and leave me,"** it said melodramatically.

Oh yes, this was definitely Mr. Sister Complex's robot.

I gave another smirk and replied, "Those are the words I've been waiting to here; later, loserbot."

At that, the door swung open. Komui pushed to the front of the group, and zoomed to the idiotbot to hug it. The rest of the people just stood there, eyeing me with amused faces. Finally, Moyashi spoke up.

"So, BaKanda – did you enjoy talking to Mr. Cleverbot?"

My eye twitch resumed. I tallied up today's curse list; the door threshold, Komui and Cleverbot.

Reever clapped a hand on the Moyashi's shoulder and said, "Well, at least we found out it didn't work for two people. Thanks for the suggestion, Allen."

I adjusted the curse list; the door threshold, Komui, Cleverbot and Moyashi.

All of the colour drained out of the shorter male's face, and for good reason. I think my laser-beam glare evaporated it. He attempted to make run for it, but I was too quick. With a lunge, I caught his collar, strangling him a little.

Before I could inflict some justified pain on him, Moyashi squeaked, "Don't kill me before Lavi does it! Come on, I know you want to see Lavi get tortured as well!"

He did make a good point.

I released him, and said with a perfectly evil grin, "Fine, I'll watch Baka Usagi suffer. But I won't feel at peace today until I beat the living shit out of a couple of people."

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><p><strong>Oh, Kanda, it's not good to threaten people…but he'll never learn. Is it as funny as the last one? Was the last one even funny? Reviews would be nice.<strong>

**The promised rant: I got some GCSE results today, and I got a B in one of the Biology papers. It was worth 12.5% of my final grade, so it actually could be covered up by the other papers and the practical. But, this was the first time I got something as low as a B. Some of you may be reading this and thinking "Pfft, what a perfectionist!" and I totally agree with you. But I have a very deep rooted fear of failure. I don't deal well with failing, or losing. So, right now, I feel like an epic fail…my parents are being quite insensitive with my feelings. I mean, they are psychologically beating me up, but I think I'm independent enough to beat myself up as I am doing right now. The worst part is that it's only just the beginning, and I'm crumbling. I never I would be the one to crumble…sorry, this whiny stuff doesn't belong on a crack fic, but I needed to put it somewhere.**


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